What is the deal with Al Pacino?

Kuno's mood is: tired

Apparently "The Godfather" did so well that a "Scarface" video game is on the way. And according to something with the clumsy name "Inside Hotwire 3D," which claims to get their information from the AP, every single actor in Hollywood will be lending their voice talents.

And not just actors from the original film like Robert Loggia, Steven Bauer and Al Israel. We're talking James Woods, Robert Davi, Michael Rapaport, Ice T, Oliver Platt, Jay Mohr, Dale Earnhardt, Jr. (???), Cheech Marin, Ricky Gervais, Michael York, Michael Rooker, Tommy Chong, Jason Mewes, Wilmer Valderrama, Tiny Lister, Bai Ling, Tommy Lee and Elliott Gould. No, seriously.

Now, you might notice one very important name missing form that list. Where's Al Pacino? The "Gigli" star has in fact lent his likeness to the game. And he hand-picked the voice actor who will play Tony Montana.

Whaaaaa?

Pacino has the time to hand-pick a Pacino impersonator, but not the time to plunk his ass down in a chair and do it himself? The game is a sequel to the movie, which means Montana will only appear in flashbacks anyway. (This is idiotic -- anyone playing this game want to be Montana.) So how much voice-over work could there be?

Jesus, Al, if James Woods has the time to do video game voice-overs, so do you. Especially for you most iconic character.

Also, Al, call me. It's been forever since we did lunch, and I have a screenplay....

Kunoindeksu #1

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Rant #1: Why I Hate Audible.com

Kuno's mood is: achey

I just wanted two things. One was an iPod shuffle, so I could listen to it on the bus. The other was the audio book version of Tolkien's "The Silmarillion." I've read it 20 times, and I thought that listening to it would help me memorize useless Tolkien trivia and perfect my pronounciation of words like "Maedhros" and "Cabed Naeramarth".

I discovered that audible.com was giving away "free" iPod shuffles if you join up for six months. It's about $20 a month, but you get two books a month.

I did a search, and yes, they carry "The Silmarillion." I figured six months for $120 dollars = $90 iPod shuffle + $60 "Silmarillion" audio book + 11 other books.

So I signed up. Great idea, eh?

No.

1.) Audible.com does NOT carry "The Silmarillion" by J.R.R. Tolkien. Peform a search, and it comes up. Then join. Suddenly, "The Silmarillion" disappears. You see, audible.com is not authorized to sell this book in the U.S. So once you join, you can't order the book any more.

The web site could ask visitors, or determine through their IP addresses, where they are located. Then people browsing the site would not be mislead about what books they can download. I suspect this "mistake" is intentional -- audible.com customer service was hardly apologetic.

So, no "Silmarillion." Fine. I downloaded another book, Steven Weinberg's "The First Three Minutes."

2.) Audible.com does not divide audio files into manageable chunks. The entire 9 hours of "The First Three Minutes" comes in two files.

This would be bad enough on a regular iPod. But iPod shuffles have no fast-forward or rewind. They just jump from track to track, randomly or in order. So once I started listening to the book, I couldn't navigate through it, or listen to something else and then go back. If I missed something, there was no rewind.

If audible divided their books into, say, 10-minute chunks, they might work on an iPod shuffle. But they don't. And remember, they recommended the shuffle. They mailed me the damn thing.

So, audible.com, two strikes and you're out. You officially suck.