Rant #3: A "Charmed" Spin-Off? What the Hell is Wrong with Fans???

Kuno's mood is: uncomprehending

There's a mobile billboard parked across the street from our offices; and, more pertinently, across the street from CBS Enterprises, a television production and distribution company.

It was placed there by a group of fans demanding a "Charmed" spin-off.

What the HELL has happened to fandom?

Are we so desperate for sci-fi and fantasy content, we'll not only put up with crappy novelizations ("Star Wars" and "Star Trek" books), crappy TV movies (I'm thinking anything produced by the Sci-Fi Channel), lousy comic book adaptations (I'm looking at YOU, Jessica Alba), and execrable TV shows, but we'll BEG FOR MORE?

Why, in the late '60s and early '70s, did America's legions of sci-fi fans make themselves known by clamoring for the return of "Star Trek?" Maybe because many episodes of that show were brilliant, written by top genre scribes? Maybe because there had never been anything like it on television before? Maybe because it offered a hopeful future free from racism and war? Maybe because it was the only alternative to the "talking carrot" seasons of "Lost in Space?"

But the legacy of the successful effort to save "Trek," here in the 21st Century, is that every time a sci-fi show gets cancelled, someone has to rally to save it, whether the show deserves it or not. Occasionally, the effort is worthwhile ("Firefly"). Other times, it's simply baffling ("Enterprise," "Stargate SG-1").

Should every sci-fi show, regardless of merit, last forever? And merit doesn't seem to have anything to do with it -- where were the legions to save the live-action "The Tick," a show genuinely worth saving? Or "Max Headroom?"

I've gotten a lot of grief for daring to criticize "Babylon 5." But you know what? Good or bad, B5 was a labor of love by one man, J. Michael Straczynski. I think the people who worship that show are basically responding to the man and his vision. Like Chris Carter or Joss Whedon or even Gene Roddenberry, Straczynski had a message and was able to get it across. B5 may have been art of inconsistent quality, but it was art.

"Charmed" was not art. It was PRODUCT. It was not a labor of love. Tori Spelling saw "The Craft," and told her dad, who said "hey, I could sell that pile of shit to 13-year-old girls." "Charmed" was focus-group-driven pablum, pretty actresses surrounded by cheap and lazy special effects. As an "occult drama" it had all the depth of "Bewitched" (but none of the charm).

Christ, it's not just that "Charmed" was bad. Lots of worthwhile things are "bad." It's that "Charmed" didn't matter. At all. Nor did its creators intend it to matter. It was designed to fill an hour of network time, and lure teens with undeveloped tastes into watching commercials for skin cleaner.

My message to the people who want a "Charmed" spin-off: all the money you spent on that billboard could have been spent to feed the homeless, cure Cystic Fibrosis, or bring back "Firefly." Try developing some discretion. The creative community can do a hell of a lot better than "Charmed" -- and so can you.

Go see "Idiocracy!"

Kuno's mood is: befuddled

Have you been waiting breathlessly since 1999 for Mike Judge to make another movie after "Office Space?" Then you might be surprised to know he has a movie in theaters right now.

You're surprised, because the evil boneheads at Fox have decided, after holding onto the movie for a year, to dump it in only 125 theaters nationwide, with NO advertising or marketing.

But I saw the movie in Santa Monica on Tuesday night, and I strongly urge you to see it. It's not "Citizen Kane" -- it's not even "Office Space" -- but it's pretty damn funny.

The bad news: it's low budget, poorly lighted, a bit too long, and employs the dreadful device of advancing major plot points through narration, something you usually only see in the kinds of movies on MST3K. (I suspect this was a studio decision. It's clear someone thought moviegoers would not understand the rather simple premise of the film. This is ironic, considering the premise.)

The good news: the movie is funny, clever, and endearing. The special effects and production design are excellent considering the budget, and clearly demonstrate that creativity and humor are more important than having rooms full of CGI wizards at Skywalker Ranch. Luke Wilson is great, and Maya Rudolph is hot.

Seriously, go see it, and when it comes out on DVD, buy it. Or better yet, BitTorrent it and send an anonymous $5 money order to Mike Judge. Then he can get the money, and those asshats at Fox can suck it.

Quiz: Can You Identify These Geek Icons?

Can you identify all 12 of these sci-fi, fantasy and geek-culture-related symbols? Anime, comics, gaming and computers have not been overlooked.

Some of them are very easy -- others, I hope, are pretty hard. If you're unfortunate enough to be using Internet Explorer, you can mouse-over the pics for a hint.

Answers follow. Good luck!

1. ____________	2. ____________	3. ____________
4. ____________	5. ____________	6. ____________
7. ____________	8. ____________	9. ____________
10. ____________	11. ____________	12. ____________

Select the following invisible text for the answers:

1. The design on the back of Kaneda's jacket, "Akira" (1988). 2. Sheeta's necklace bearing the Laputa crest, Miyazaki Hayao's "Laputa" aka "Castle in the Sky" (1986). 3. The symbol on the side of Buckaroo Banzai's jet car, "The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai Across the 8th Dimension" (1984). 4. The logo of the NSEA Protector, "Galaxy Quest" (1999). 5. The logo for Network 23, Edison Carter's evil employer, "Max Headroom: 20 Minutes Into the Future" (1985). 6. The Commodore Business Machines "chickenhead" logo; Commodore manufactured the PET and Commodore 64 personal computers. 7. The banner of the Imperium of Man from Games Workshops' "Warhammer 40,000" series of science-fantasy tabletop wargames, RPGs, and computer games. 8. Logo of the evil Blue Sun Corporation from Joss Whedon's sci-fi western "Firefly" (2002-03). 9. Runic symbol devised by fantasy author J.R.R. Tolkien as a form of signature; formed from the letters "JRRT." 10. Logo of Tai Seng Video Marketing, major distributors of East Asian cinema in the United States; brought the films of Chow-Yun Fat, John Woo, Jackie Chan and Jet Li to the U.S. 11. Logo patch of the USCSS Nostromo, "Alien" (1979). 12. Blood-spattered "happy-face" pin of the murdered Comedian, Alan Moore's "Watchmen" (1986-87).